As I learn my second idiom (and for those sarcastic readers out there, yes I am fluent in English, thank you very much), I am repeatedly reminded that language is not only a tool for communication, but also a projection of personality. Not in the previously mentioned sense of "Eskimos have 20 words for snow; that must mean snow is really important to them" but in the sense of identifying oneself with the words that comes out of one's mouth. These words I speak are a raw projection of my personality into the world. These words I speak are me.

Or at least they are in English. In Spanish, language still serves as a kind of filter--as insulation--between myself and those to whom I speak. My vocabulary, grammar and diction are imperfect but good. I communicate clearly. And yet, it's not me speaking. It's some weird doll that turns my thoughts into another form and spits them out, like a dubbed movie or simultaneous translation at the U.N. This being so (combined with the lack of subtlety in my Spanish vocab), has led to a weird molding of my "Spanish personality." I find that I'm much more extreme in my expression--both in positive in negative senses--because, well, it's not me who's speaking, not really. We've been looking for a condo to buy which, as anyone who's tried that here, can be an incredibly irritating experience full of its share of scam artists. And as I express myself through "Ian the Spanish Ventriloquist Doll", I've found that I've been much blunter than I would be in my native tongue. "This is frighteningly ugly and a waste of our time," I'll say. Or, "I think you are lying to me; you are a bad man and I hope your life ends in a torrent of great pain" (or something like that). With my 70% language and my child's vocabulary, it's almost like being on the playground again (remember: kids there are nothing if not painfully clear).

The distance I feel from the language makes speaking akin to watching myself in a film: I hear the words come out of my mouth, and they make sense, and they express part of what I feel. But that's not really me.